Tuesday, May 22, 2007

pain, pain, and more pain

so it almost feels like, here we go again....i don't know how a lot of people handle it b/c i can't seem to manage this, the thing is it is not mine, it is one of my best friends. if i could take some of the pain away for her i would but heidi has always been too strong for that.

i got a call monday morning from one of my old college roomie's and best friends for over 10 years now --it was her husband....Angie, her older sister, 35, had died on Saturday along with her 8.5 month old unborn daughter.

i haven't talked to her yet, she won't talk to anyone but her mom and dad, paul, and her brothers right now which i can understand. she is carrying guilt for going away on vacation when Angie wasn't feel well so there is no convincing her otherwise. it is funny how we are such good friends yet so much a like. oh, and Tyler, no mother, no sister...that's a lot to handle at 13.

if you knew us girls...we are more than friends...i mean we live far away but see each other all the time and talk 24/7. we know all about each others "real" sisters but it is more than that for us. my dad tells me all the time that i have the most amazing group of friends and i all i say is, "i know, dad, isn't it great?". so this pain i have is more than i can even explain because i am just so overcome with grief for Heidi, we all are. i almost don't want to wake up tomorrow but i know i need to.

we are open about death with owen and i told him what happened and he just gave me a big huge hug. i explained that Angie was like losing his Aunt Amber and he trembled and said, "oh no mommy, oh no".

the one thing i remember Paul saying over and over again is, "she is so strong, Ellen, she is so strong". well, even strong people could use some positive thoughts and prayers.

so i ask to each and every person who may read this to pick up the phone right now and call the people you love and TELL THEM you love them. DON'T email it...DON'T text it. i did it yesterday.

with all that being said, i think i am taking some time from scrapping right now....just on overload i think...guilt... an undeniable feeling to just be. I talked to Maggie, the amazing owner of Dragonflaire and told me to take as much time as I needed and I think I will. I scrapped the phrase "be present" a little while ago and it cannot be more true. i find myself sitting in the big chair in the living room and just staring out the window and losing myself in a whole bunch of crazy "what ifs".

what if amber died over the weekend (my FABO sister)...same age...what if i was burying her and my unborn neice tomorrow? what if my mom and dad were burying me and owen? craziness, people...just plan crazy.

my mom's best friend emailed me today with the most wonderful words that i will leave you with tonight...

"sometimes life is too cruel to understand"
thanks louise...and mom and dad and amber and brian and owen and stacy and jess and kel and everyone who is praying for heidi and her family...may God be with us


Cheryl said...

I am soo sorry, Ellen for the pain you are feeling at the moment. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I don't think we realize the depth of love until we lose it.
Your friend will need you in a little while, she is probably in deep shock at the moment and feelings of guilt and what if are part of the grieving process she is working through. I think you have to feel the whole range of feelings to finally come out the other side and be able to function in a healthy way.
You have been through a rough time with your Grandmother's stroke as well.
I can totally understand your need to take a step back from scrapping and just simply be and reflect.

Take care, Ellen, thinking of you,
Cheryl ((((( HUGS)))) WE B

Holly Terra said...

so sorry for this loss :(
I am thinking of you and hoping times heals you and your friend.... a little...


Colleen E said...

Oh man Ellen, I'm so sorry for you and Heidi and all your families. Some things in life really can't be explained or understood - don't even try with this. Please, encourage her (all of you) to get some profl. help - someone who'll know how to help... how to handle all that pain and grief. And it's so horribly sad that she was 8.5 pg. My prayers go out to all of you.

Eminepala said...

Aw sweetie.. I'm so sorry for your loss... Why did she die.. Do you know that?

I wish you all a lot of strength in this hard time...

I'm thinking and praying for you, your friend and her family


StaceyM said...

You know we love you and we are all here for you. You just have to holler out when you feel like it! Prayers for you and all that this has touched.

Lisa the Lovely said...

Thank you for leaving me a comment on my blog www.sneakylittlebugger.blogspot.com. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.